Nigerian Parents

My parents are typical Nigerian parents. Over the years I've gotten used to their ways as every Nigerian child who loves his life must. I obeyed the rules, did the chores and whatever else they asked of me, but i'm not hear to talk about how good a son i am (though my mom would probably disagree with the good part) i'm here to talk about the craziness that is living with a Nigerian parent.

I remember back in the day, when my siblings and i got beat on the daily (yes we were stubborn children) and then you'd be wondering what instrument of back or yansh destruction would be unleashed upon you.

Replace the spoon with a pankere/slim wooden instrument of pain

The annoying part was we could never just get beat alone, we also had to get punished too, from the hours spent on my knees with my arms above my head to the picking of an invisible pin (seriously whoever came up with this is just wicked) and more.

Whenever a sibling got in trouble.

 My mom had a way of getting us in tears even before the beatings and punishments, she told us about a famous torture technique she was gonna use on us, she threatened to tie us upside down to the ceiling fan while a lantern burned underneath our blood filled heads, yeah my mom was mean like that. Whenever we heard that threat we were scared shitless, but of course she never did it, thank God.

Classic Mrs Moyosade

My mom had lines she threw at us regularly mostly in Yoruba that have become nothing short of classic, for example-
-Whatever doesn't have a mouth can't be smarter than a person (makes more sense in Yoruba)
-You met me on this earth (Again, sounds better in Yoruba)
-You have seen your maid abi (I don't have to tell you right)
-And of course the above pic, both in English and Yoruba and many more i can't remember right now.

Over the years we grew wiser and our mom grew softer, the frequent beatings became occasional beatings which later became no beating just yelling, and my mom can yell, her screams could quell an earthquake. So nowadays we get the yelling treatment whenever we do anything she perceives as wrong (which is every freaking day) and then being the idiot that i am at times one day i was like "Mom you're shouting."

So freaking true.

I did not hear the end of it for months, i was given long speeches regularly and when my dad was informed about my "offense" and well he also decided to give me a dose, just because i stated the obvious. Notice i didn't mention my dad when i referred to the beatings and all, well that's because he has only beaten me twice, and yeah i deserved it (not like i didn't deserve all my mom's beatings but wateves). The issue i have with my dad is money, getting money from my dad is never simple, you must construct a well detailed plan which includes the importance of the what the money is needed for and why it should not be ignored with excuses involving the payment of my siblings and I's fees. And you wanna ask for allowance in my house? Now you're just chasing fairy tales, you have a better chance capturing a unicorn.

Dad with his pals

My parents also encourage you to follow your dreams, my mom sticks with this but my dad, well he encourages you to do what you're comfortable with while stuffing his own choices down your throat. When i wanted to pick a course for jamb he was like "My son you're talented you can do whatever you want." I was glad to hear this even though i didn't have a clue what to choose but a day to submission of my form i get a call, its dad and he was like "Fill Electrical and Electronics engineering 1st and 2nd choice" bhet why daddy you told me i could choose, well i had nothing else in my so i went along with him. I ended up in computer engineering, he still wanted me to change to elect but i refused, i was like "NAIN!" *in swoozie's voice*, now i can't say i hate engineering but i'm not in love with it either. Later it was my brother's turn and well lets just say he pushed him to Elect, I tried fighting it but well parents always win, a boy that doesn't like math or Technical drawing, let's see how that works out.

 Well my parents aren't perfect but well no one is and I love them and wouldn't change them for anything (A trillion dollars is pretty tempting tho).

Now you ask, would i beat my children when they come along? Hell Yeah, its biblical, but I'll try not to yell unnecessarily, give my children reasonable allowances and definitely not push them into anything they're not ready for, but they might not know they're ready so who knows right.