Some days ago I witnessed something that was
on its way to being a fight but ended up falling short. One guy with a death
wish was yelling at another guy who is much bigger than him. As I walked away
from the place which was in front of the cafeteria to my hall an entire movie
sprung forth in my mind, I told a friend said story and he told me to post it
so here it is, and I don’t usually write stories so try to cut me some slack-
As Femi walked down the stairs which
led out of the cafeteria with his dinner in hand he noticed something, a fight
was brewing in front of him. The argument he witnessed upon going into the
cafeteria was about to escalate into a fight. He hated fights, no one ever
really wins in the end. One random guy he didn’t know was shouting at Jimmy, he
thought to himself “This guy must have a death wish”, Jimmy the tallest fat guy
in school and he had a reputation for being a bully, the guy yelling at him on
the other hand would need a stool to look him straight in the eyes, but even against
such odds he wasn’t backing down, far from it he was the one making the
threats. Soon enough Jimmy broke through from the guys who were holding him
back and rushed towards the other guy. The first hit came from the other guy
who punched Jimmy in the stomach, it was ineffective probably because he was
hitting a sea of fat, Jimmy hammered down on the guy as if he didn’t just get
hit, first with his hand with connected with the top of the guy’s head, then he
rained down on him punch after punch until the guy lost his footing and fell to
the ground.
Even though the guy was the one backing the threats, it was obvious from the side the fight would be one sided, and Jimmy didn’t seem to want to let him off easy, he kept hitting him even though it was clear the guy had lost the will to fight. Femi hated the sight before him, before he found himself trying to pull Jimmy off the already bloodied guy and begging him to stop. Jimmy paused, left the poor guy and turned to face Femi. He was shocked, excluding other big guys or the school authorities no one ever tried to stop him when he was on a rampage before, but this puny guy who probably got possessed by Lucifer himself dared to. “You should stop, you might kill him” Femi told Jimmy with unwavering courage. Jimmy didn’t even try to reply, he wasn’t one for mercy, this little guy had interfered in his ‘lecture’ of the poor fool who challenged him, and for that he was to get the same punishment.
The next few seconds went by too slowly for
Femi but were way too fast to the bystanders. Jimmy had rushed towards Femi
hands wide open probably planning on slapping him senseless, but quick as a
flash Femi gave Jimmy a quick kick to the groin, after which he slammed Jimmy’s
face into his knee with the aid of his hands knocking him out in the process.
The onlookers were ecstatic they had just witnessed their own David killed
knocked out Goliath tale, and every one of them went on to add a little spice
to their own version of the incident.
......To be continued depending on feedback.
I liked this, it was visual and believable. However, I had a hard time getting invested in the character. I think this piece might have been more effective if it were in first person. That way, the reader can really understand Ferni and his thoughts and feelings. Good writing though!
ReplyDeletewww.alicekouzmenkowriting.blogspot.com
Good start. Keep going. You have at least 2 good hooks. (1) What made the little guy "bait" Jimmy? (2) Where did Femi get his fighting skills? Why reveal them now? OK, maybe that's 3.
ReplyDeleteI say again. Keep going. Concentrate on getting the ideas out. Edit later.
Thank you
Deletewow cool!!! yea sure go on plzz its a very cool story!! and an awesome blog!
ReplyDeleteThanks i will
Delete